Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHTFor my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Clones are people two.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHT