My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTThe older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHT






