If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
STEVEN WRIGHT