All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT






