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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Far Forever Goodness Immortal Live Myself
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Funny Goodness Myself Oneself Worth
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Fall Feeling Myself Sit Time
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Age Anxiety Funny Myself Time
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Experience Need Yourself
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Country Funny Nation People
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Animal Flavor Food Funny
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Funny Herself Myself Night Time Walk
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Alcohol Myself Photograph Thinking Woman
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Buy Fame Friendship Herself Popular Toy
I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT

Angry Install Light Live Myself People
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Listening Mistake Yourself
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Appearance Imagination Phone Weird Yourself
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT

Bad Conscience Memories
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT

Better Doctor Myself Pay Right Work Yourself

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