Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
STEVEN WRIGHT