If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT