Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHT