Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT