How do you get off a non-stop flight?
STEVEN WRIGHTImagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
STEVEN WRIGHT






