I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
STEVEN WRIGHTOn the other hand, you have different fingers.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Clones are people two.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
STEVEN WRIGHT