Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHTOn the other hand, you have different fingers.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT