When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT