When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
STEVEN WRIGHT