There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
STEVEN WRIGHT






