I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
STEVEN WRIGHT