I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTI think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
STEVEN WRIGHT