I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
STEVEN WRIGHT






