I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHT