Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT