I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
STEVEN WRIGHT