Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
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Clones are people two.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHT