If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
STEVEN WRIGHT






