When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
STEVEN WRIGHT