It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHTMy friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHT