My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHTTo steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT