When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT