Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT