Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Half the people you know are below average.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment, the people who live above me are furious!
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
STEVEN WRIGHT