Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
STEVEN WRIGHT