If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Clones are people two.
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
STEVEN WRIGHT