No one is listening until you make a mistake.
STEVEN WRIGHTHalf the people you know are below average.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
STEVEN WRIGHT