Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHT






