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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.

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There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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Idiot Ocean Stand Wait
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Lost Myself Place Thinking
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Bill Country Freedom Funny Phone Talk
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Eyes Myself Prescription Ran Walk
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Forget Funny Myself
If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Money Thinking Worth Yourself
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Conscience Funny Sleep Time
Half the people you know are below average.
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Average Level People Yourself
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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Destroy Evidence Success Try Yourself
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Literature Word Wrong
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Car Funny Yourself
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Fight Funny Gift Myself Room
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Bed Funny Hell Home Myself Nature Night Stars Wonder
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Darkness Device Myself
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Book Funny Myself Writing
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
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Funny Kill Learning Love Myself Time

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