I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?
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Clones are people two.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
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If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
STEVEN WRIGHT