There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.
STEVEN WRIGHT