I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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The older you get, the more you learn to see what you’ve been taught to see. When you’re a kid, you see what’s there.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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How do you get off a non-stop flight?
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT