When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
STEVEN WRIGHTHow much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
STEVEN WRIGHT