I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
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Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
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When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
STEVEN WRIGHT