You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‘All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.’
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
STEVEN WRIGHT






