If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Clones are people two.
STEVEN WRIGHT -
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
STEVEN WRIGHT -
All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
STEVEN WRIGHT