If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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I got a new dog. He’s a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Clones are people two.
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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
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I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said ‘cut it out’
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
STEVEN WRIGHT