I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.
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I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
STEVEN WRIGHT