Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
STEVEN WRIGHTIf at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
More Steven Wright Quotes
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Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
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The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead?
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.
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I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read”
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Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
STEVEN WRIGHT