“There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.”

Comedy is great because there’s no overhead.

I go through about 140 cities a year.

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan – thin, slow, and it leaks.

I didn’t get where I am today by worryin’ about how I’d feel tomorrow.

I could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.

If you become famous and don’t have a live show to back it up, they’re not going to pay you any money.

I’ve asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don’t understand it. But I don’t understand a lot of things.

I don’t know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn’t have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

The next time you have a thought… let it go.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I do live like a rock star, but it’s not as great as it sounds. It’s a lot of traveling.

I have a very fun life. I don’t recommend it for anybody else, but it sure has been fun for me.

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

When I get there I am not going to be asked, ‘Why weren’t you Moses? Why weren’t you David?’ I am only going to be asked, ‘Why weren’t you Zuscha? Why weren’t you fully you?'”

If you are not going to produce albums then you are not going to produce new fans. It’s impossible.

And if we can’t unplug from that machine, eventually we’re going to become mindless.

Making music is still what keeps a fire going on in me.

And sometimes you have to let it go limp and detach yourself from any associations.

If you’re going to make a film, you have to try to make sure it comes out of a childlike passion, as if you’re doing it for the first time.

Making that book into a film is going to be quite a challenge.

I don’t miss playing football, but I do miss going into the dressing room every day and having a laugh.