Funny Quotes

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.

A squirrel attacked me. I got attacked by a squirrel in Battersea Park. They’re dangerous. It’s rare. I’ve torn most of the ligaments in my knee. So no football for me. It’s early retirement now. I’ve got a floating knee-cap!

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. ‘They won’t let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.’ ‘What are you complaining about?’ said God. ‘They won’t let Me in either.

I do not think, therefore I am a moustache.

Government is not a solution to our problem government is the problem.

Whenever you have an ex, and they’re like, ‘I hope we can still be friends!’ and you weren’t friends before you started dating, then what do you go back to, really?

You will find the key to success under the alarm clock.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.