Funny Quotes

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I held the snake at VMA’s one time and decided to go ahead 20 years later and become the motherfucking snake myself.

I thought it would be funny to post a selfie album where every picture is so similar to one another that there is no point in me even posting more than one.

I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.

It’s funny how close the past is, sometimes. Sometimes it seems as if you could almost reach out and touch it. Only who really wants to?

Absolute seriousness is never without a dash of humor.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.