The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER