I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER






