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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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