I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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