Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER