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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Away Children Home Keep Only Parent Some Thing Threaten
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Central Crime Night Only Park Reduce Trade Walk Woman
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bad Body Phase Prescription Shape Such Underwater Wear
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Exactly Friend Laugh Look Man Passport Photo Picture Realize
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Just Justice Like Look Photograph
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Finish Half Hour Last Minute
… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Dust Furniture Love Name Write Yera
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Enough Laugh Wrinkle
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Anybody Behind Doing Eighteen Iron Know Now Use Year
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Beaty Eyesight Fade Like Look Marry May Own
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health

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