I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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self-pity is better than none.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER