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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Always Children Choose Home Nice One Rest
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Beach Come Even Go Tide
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Love Man Marry Money Nothing Tennis
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Beneath Breast Knee Law Left Mother Out Pain Trick Tuned
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Brisk Excercise Good Idea Sit
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Also Career Felt Husband Marriage Mix Work
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Down Head Kwwp Laugh Pro Real Reson See Tell
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Just Justice Like Look Photograph
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Comedy Revisited Tragedy
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Dog Every Go Howl Near Stove Time
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Aim Fool High Off Shoot
self-pity is better than none.
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Better Ity None Self

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