Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER