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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’

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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Children Down First Month Shut Spend Talk Teah Tell Twelve Walk
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Buy Get Gun Husbvband Into No Reply Say Shop Women
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Accused Constant Country Drought Fire Food Mud Swanson
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Away Children Home Keep Only Parent Some Thing Threaten
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Avoid Beget Children Desire Entirely Mean Poverty Single Something Violence
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bed Course Fang Gone Mad Month Three True Was Year
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Beaty Eyesight Fade Like Look Marry May Own
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Exactly Friend Laugh Look Man Passport Photo Picture Realize
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Back Do Go More Than
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER

Cloth Doctor Go Look Love Man Say Take
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Admit Away Boyfriend Drive Forty Live Mile Sex Tremendous
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Better Ity None Self
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Body Doctor Hope Look Reincarnation Said Yes
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER

Chance Housework Kill Rake You

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