Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER