Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
NORM MACDONALDIt is often better to be restricted to necessity than unconfined in the measure of our desires: prosperity destroys more individuals than adversity ruins.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
NORM MACDONALD