There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
NORM MACDONALDAs evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
NORM MACDONALD