Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG