Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG