Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG