I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERGI was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG






