Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERGI was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG