I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG -
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG