An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERGI was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG






