Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG