Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERGSometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG






