If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG