I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG






