I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG