I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG