My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERGChicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG