An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERGMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG