I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERGMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG