A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG