If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG