I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGI like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG