I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG