If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG