When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG






