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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

Mitch Hedberg

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Soccer Sports
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Doe Funny Humor
Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERG

Photograph Young Yourself
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG

Brother Funny Humor
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Life
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor Serious Wrong
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Break Funny Humor Sorry
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Lonely Myself Play
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG

Appearance Funny Humor Nice
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG

Color Funny Humor Oppression People
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG

Drug Funny Humor
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Mean

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

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Popular Authors

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