I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERGYou should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG