If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG