I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG