Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG






