If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG