I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG