If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGI know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG