Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG