On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGI tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG