I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG