I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG