If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG






