I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG