I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERGIs a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG