“When we speak to God, we call it prayer; when God speaks back, we call it psychosis!”

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Language was invented because of the deep human need to complain.

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

If you have a dog or a cat, you know how developed they can be. How sensitive, how aware. They suffer. We all do.

We don’t care. We don’t have to. We’re the phone company.

When I’ve had a meltdown, people will say to me, “Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor.”

You can’t expect insights, even the big ones, to make you suddenly understand everything. But I figure: Hey it’s a step in the right direction if they leave you confused in a deeper way.

The start to a better world is the belief that it is possible.

I try to be cynical, but it’s so hard to keep up.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.

9 to 5 made people aware of equal pay for equal work. It hasn’t really happened, but it has come closer.

Even when I’m being funny, I’m deadly serious.

Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that’s the truth.

There will be sex after death, we just won’t be able to feel it.

If evolution was worth its salt, it should’ve evolved something better than ‘survival of the fittest.’ I think a better idea would be ‘survival of the wittiest.’ At least, that way, creatures that didn’t survive could’ve died laughing.

Having a real public outlet is how you imprint something for yourself. It’s just a matter of timing. It’s like you’ve marked your territory.

You can either be a host to God, or a hostage to your ego. It’s your call.

Two criminals were crucified with Christ. One was saved; do not despair. One was not; do not presume.

If you understood him, it would not be God.

The universal cosmic process was not created by any god or man.

When I’m tired, insecure, fearful, angry, sad, i try and remember that i am God’s obsession.

I want God to come see me in my dreams when I take my nap so I can kiss his feet and tell him how much I love him.

It is hoped that by God’s assistance, some of the continents in the Ocean will be discovered for the Glory of God.

Thus the eternal God, our Lord, gives victory to those who follow His way over apparent impossibilities.