Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t worry about the money. Love the process.
JOAN RIVERSI’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERSShe doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
JOAN RIVERSBefore we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERSHere’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERSMoney can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSHappiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERSEdgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
JOAN RIVERSWomen should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
JOAN RIVERSMy daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
JOAN RIVERSI enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
JOAN RIVERSOn her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERSYou know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERSYou know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERSI’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERSA female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
JOAN RIVERS