If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERSMoving on is a gift you give yourself.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
JOAN RIVERS






