Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
JOAN RIVERSMoving on is a gift you give yourself.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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Grandchildren can be annoying – how many times can you go: “And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink”? It’s like talking to a supermodel.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “pick up, I know you’re there.”
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS