I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERSComediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
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Better laid than never.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
JOAN RIVERS