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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

Joan Rivers

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
JOAN RIVERS

Body Husband Marriage Myself Naked Night Sex
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS

Black Friendship Himself Myself Possible Race
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS

Born Myself Room
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
JOAN RIVERS

Daughter Down And Mother
I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Food Myself
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS

Act Listening Rule Survive Thinking Yourself
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Parent Ugly
I’m in nobody’s circle, I’ve always been an outsider.
JOAN RIVERS

Alone Company Myself
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Love Man Woman
Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
JOAN RIVERS

Forever Life Myself
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Fashion Feeling Funny Gift Memories Old Yourself
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS

Deep Fun Funny Old Work Yourself
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
JOAN RIVERS

Couple Freedom Marriage Time Yourself
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself

Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

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Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

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Popular Authors

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