If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSDon’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
JOAN RIVERS -
You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
JOAN RIVERS