Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERSOn her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS