If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
JOAN RIVERSLife goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year – and has yet to receive a Mother’s Day card from one of them.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS