I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERSLife goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.
JOAN RIVERS