I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
JOAN RIVERSHappiness, at my age, is breathing
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it’s happening.
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
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We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.
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Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
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I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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Better laid than never.
JOAN RIVERS