“I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Pregnancy is the only time in a woman’s life she can help God work a miracle.

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can’t see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’.

There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

I’m smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.

What a sad business, being funny.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

They asked me why I don’t quit drinking, I told ’em I’m not a quitter.

You’re not a man, you’re a mushroom!

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Eat to live, don’t live to eat.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?