If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
ERMA BOMBECKIt is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
More Erma Bombeck Quotes
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Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.
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Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
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The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
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Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there.
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It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of super sophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.
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Housework can kill you if done right.
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Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.
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Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.
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Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
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When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.
ERMA BOMBECK