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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
EMO PHILIPS

Class Limitation Move Myself Reason
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
EMO PHILIPS

Charge Devil Herself Himself Lesson Thinking
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPS

Break Children Job Money Replacement Rise Yourself
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Deal Myself Snow Time
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
EMO PHILIPS

Home Myself Parents Rule Strict
My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPS

Cheating Funny Herself Man Relationship See
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Lesson Money Myself Teaching Walk Wallet
I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPS

Bad Myself Rich Wealth
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS

Excitement Myself Parents Protection Road Street
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS

Crazy Expensive Need Relationship Treatment
I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPS

Calm Electricity Myself Work
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
EMO PHILIPS

Away College Letter Parents
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS

Freedom Medicine Money Myself Stand

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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