I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS