How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSHow many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSI tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
EMO PHILIPSWhen deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPSMy mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPSNow there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPSI told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
EMO PHILIPS