black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS

Career Hypocrisy Myself Woman
They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
EMO PHILIPS

Achievement Allowance Beach Myself
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPS

Forever Myself Mystery Reminder
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS

Heart Myself Old Place Time Woman
My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS

Crazy Expensive Need Relationship Treatment
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS

Appreciation Life Praise School Woman Yourself
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
EMO PHILIPS

Magazine Myself News Nude Stand
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Blank Children Love Myself School Watch
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPS

Appointment Calendar Mom Myself
I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPS

Character Myself Permanent
Don’t wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Clothes Fashion Yourself
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS

Angry Buy Period Wait Weapon
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPS

Coffee Morning Myself Start Try Wake Up
You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
EMO PHILIPS

Generosity Hate Myself Return

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Emo Philips Quotes