My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSMy mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
EMO PHILIPSI was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSYou don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
EMO PHILIPSYou know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
EMO PHILIPSMy mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
EMO PHILIPSMy first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
EMO PHILIPSMy parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSThe way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPSProbably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPSWhen deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
EMO PHILIPSI used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
EMO PHILIPS