I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPS